Engagement Ring Etiquette Made Simple

Engagement Ring Etiquette For centuries, engagement rings have been one of the most universal and significant betrothal gifts engaged couples bestow upon each other. The notion of the perfect engagement ring, chosen with scrupulous care and presented at the perfect moment, is cloaked with romance, but practically-speaking, what are the conventions and social expectations surrounding this ‘gem’ of a gesture? Here are the answers to some of the most common engagement ring etiquette questions.

Is an Engagement Ring Necessary?

Actually, there is no rule dictating that an engagement ring must be worn in the first place. It is perfectly acceptable to forgo wearing an engagement ring at one’s discretion. The engagement ring is a traditional token signifying devotion and the intention to marry, but it may not always be a practical or preferable option for some couples.

What is the Process for Buying an Engagement Ring?

A popular way of getting engaged is for the man to present the ring to the woman in a surprise context, and as such, it is not unusual for the groom-to-be to select the ring on his own prior to proposing. In point of fact, it is within the bounds of proper etiquette for couples to purchase the ring collaboratively subsequent to getting engaged. Shopping for the ring together after getting engaged is still considered good “form”; the ring itself isn’t required to make a proposal. Many grooms-to-be use a gem mounted on a plain, temporary band to propose and then return with their fiancees to the jeweler’s afterward to pick out the final style and setting of the ring.

Is it Okay for a Man to Wear an Engagement Ring?

Both men and women may wear engagement rings. In the past, it was conventional for women alone to receive engagement rings, but it has since become acceptable and more common for men to wear them as well. Most retail jewelers carry a selection of men’s engagement rings for women who want to propose to their significant other. Some women may present their fiance with an engagement ring as a return gesture after they have received a ring of their own.

What is the Proper Hand/Finger Placement for an Engagement Ring?

In Western cultures, traditional etiquette prescribes that the engagement ring be worn on the fourth finger (the “ring finger”) of the left hand. It is believed that the tradition of wearing the engagement ring on this finger dates back to the ancient Egyptian belief in the “vein amoris”, a special vein that ran from the fourth left finger to the heart. Despite custom, it is acceptable to wear one’s engagement ring on the hand and finger that feels most comfortable.

What if They Don’t Like the Ring?

It is not considered rude for a woman (or a man for that matter) to express dissatisfaction with an engagement ring. After all, the ring will be worn for life and the style or nature of the ring carries a lot of symbolic weight. Whether it is a family heirloom or a store-bought ring, an engagement ring should be something that one feels comfortable wearing and that is suitable for one’s lifestyle. If your fiance/e doesn’t like the ring you selected, it shows mutual respect and consideration if a replacement ring or a restyled ring can be selected. Most retail jewelers have a 30- or 90-day exchange policy for engagement rings. Selecting the ring together is a good way to avoid misunderstandings, awkwardness and financial complications. If you insist on a surprise ring, consulting your partner’s close friends and family is not only acceptable but a good idea.

Does it Have to be a Diamond Ring?

As the story goes, the tradition of using diamonds as the gemstone of choice for engagement rings goes back to the late middle ages when the Austrian Archduke, Maximilian I sealed his proposal to Mary of Burgundy with a diamond ring. For centuries afterward, diamond engagement rings were popular among the noble classes, the only ones who could afford the rare, expensive gem. Even after diamonds become more affordable to the general masses, diamond rings continued to have noble associations, seen as a special, rare gem best suited for matrimonial intentions. History aside, engagement ring etiquette does not demand that a diamond ring be given. Any gemstone is fine and it is common for a particular gem to be chosen because of its symbolic associations (e.g. birthstones).

Who Should Pay for the Engagement Ring?

The etiquette books are clear on this one. Traditionally, the groom-to-be is expected to cover the entire cost of the engagement ring. It is often said that at a groom-to-be should spend at least 3 months of his salary on an engagement ring, however this myth has less to do with etiquette and more to do with time-worn sales strategies employed by jewelry manufacturers. Despite what the etiquette books say, nowadays, it is not unusual for modern couples to divide the cost of the engagement ring between themselves.

When is the Proper Time to Start Wearing an Engagement Ring?

It is acceptable to start wearing an engagement ring immediately after accepting a wedding proposal. Discreetly concealing the left hand before announcing your engagement to others shows proper etiquette.

What Happens to the Engagement Ring After the Wedding?

During the wedding ceremony the engagement ring is switched to the right hand. Once the wedding band has been placed on the left ring finger, the engagement ring may be worn on top the wedding band. Alternatively, the engagement ring may be worn on the right hand or not worn at all. With integrated ring sets, the wedding band and engagement ring fit together in one uniform design and are meant to be worn together. Some people may have their engagement ring and wedding band soldered together (soldering the rings together can be done before or after the wedding.)

What Happens to the Ring if We Break off the Engagement?

Engagement ring etiquette advises that a ring be returned to the giver once the engagement is terminated. This is seen as the decent and proper thing to do and the best way to avoid conflict. Legally, laws regarding the return of engagement rings differ from country to country and from state to state. Under some legal systems a person has a legal right to keep the ring if the other party terminated the engagement first. Most courts of law, however, regard an engagement ring as a conditional gift which must be returned if the condition under which it is given (i.e., marriage) is not met regardless of who ended the engagement. Even so, there are special cases where the recipient of an engagement ring may successfully argue their right to keep the ring.

Hopefully by now, the etiquette of engagement rings doesn’t seem as complicated as it first appeared. Ultimately, personal choice and happiness are the most important factors where engagement rings are concerned, and each couple should decide of their own accord what role an engagement ring will play in their journey toward marriage.

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